Things I Have Learned Today

1. I don’t have syphilis, shingles, or celiac disease, although I sort of wish I did because they all include specific treatment plans.

2. West Elm Home Furnishings is basically a Pottery Barn, with that dark wood contemporary style that seems only ever to be paired with beige.

3. Friction tape and vinyl electrical tape serve vastly different purposes.

4. They found methane gas on Mars, which could indicate biological processes. (Yeah, I’m a little behind on the science news.)

5. We’re due for a cataclysmic solar storm that could knock out the power grid for months. The last one in 1859 actually started fires in telegraph offices. Did you know that? I did not know that. Now I have more reasons to feel bad about having no stockpiles of non-perishable goods.

6. People watch porn while surfing the web. I’m not talking about surfing the web for porn–I’m talking about a movie on the TV and a browser window open. How on earth can you do both? Seriously? Wouldn’t either activity demand all of your attention? If you were only half-paying attention, wouldn’t that detract from both?

7. World Without Us is a book that is much less than the sum of its parts. The chapters are better than the whole, but then the paragraphs are better than the chapters. I’m not sure how it went wrong, but page X will be completely contradicted by page X+1. It’s like it was rushed to press. Can you imagine such a thing?

8. I had the key to hooking up the DVD player to the TV/VCR combo in my hands the whole time. I didn’t need that universal remote, but I needed to open the universal remote, program it, and mess with it before I realized it was a completely wasted purchase. I’m just like Dorothy, if Dorothy had a home theater system

9. It was a goddamned podcast that was freezing my computer in such a horrible and terrifying way! I didn’t accidentally introduce a contagion into my system during my forays into the shadowy gray corners of cyberspace. All I had to do was delete it.

10. Tomatoes are already for sale at the garden stores. I thought I still had months to sort that out!

11. An ACH is not a POS is not an online payment.

12. All property management companies are not alike. I am starting to fear, however, that all HOAs are. But Penny at Pernicano’s has been a doll! Saved me $333.10! W00t, as the kids like to say. I am a 733t homeowner. Well, that’s a bit of an overstatement. But I knew I wasn’t in arrears.

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