13 Things to Do before I Work

1. Floss my teeth.

2. Get a cold soda.

3. Turn my sweater around because I’d put it on backwards. A long time ago I lost the tags; it’s a pretty old sweater. I’ve had it since–no joke–1994… I’d bought it right before I went to Italy because I didn’t have any warm shirts for the airplane. Remember Miller’s Outpost? Remember when Gap was basically Miller’s Outpost–all tee-shirts and jeans? Abercrombie & Fitch used to be like that, too. This thing is a navy blue, oversized thermal sweater. It is fraying at the cuff. I have to wear it inside my house because I disbelieve that it is 72 degrees in here, but I am not allowed to turn on the heat. I am a delicate hothouse flower.

4. Find the new printer ink. I am running on fumes. It’s exciting to run on fumes, and the you’re-running-low-on-ink-want-to-buy-some window has been showing me zero for a while. If I’d set up the office properly I would know exactly where it is. I think it’s on one of those shelves in the wet bar with all the envelopes that need to be put back into drawers.

5. Go pee.

6. Check all my websites. Bastards aren’t updating.

7. Track down a red pen.

8. Survey the cupboards for alcohol. There’s a bunch of white wine, but I don’t really like white wine. There’s a fancy bottle of red with a gold net around it and a Coppola label that we are supposed to be saving for something special. Drunk editing isn’t it.

9. Advance the laundry.

10. Check all my websites again. Nuttin.

11. Look for a picture online of the wine bottle.

12. Check the year on the label; the review I just read said that the time to drink the 2006 was in 2006. But we just received the bottle as a gift! Bastards!

13. Open all the files I am supposed to be working on so I can alt-tab to them in a hurry if I hear someone on the stairs.

Remember, remember 13th of December

Mechanical pencils and lead

I see no way my work ethic today

Will allow me to end up in bed.

Ka-boom.

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